


Demon Merlin Sees Dead People

by anarchycox



Series: Missing: Four Demons (If Found Return to Hell) [13]
Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Demons, Alternate Universe - Domestic, Antiquing, Banter, Cuddles, M/M, merlin needs to shut up sometimes, supportive friendships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2020-08-20 00:37:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20218912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anarchycox/pseuds/anarchycox
Summary: Merlin finds out that sometimes people's souls get attached to the urn their ashes were placed in. He decides to deal with this situation. Harry helps. Eggsy wants no part of it, because he is smart.





	Demon Merlin Sees Dead People

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thenerdyindividual](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thenerdyindividual/gifts).

> i wanted to write a pick me up for my friend. she gave me the prompt: merwin, urn, cozy. this is what came out. timewise eggsy and merlin are together but it is still pretty recent.

It was Thursday, and he had finished his errands early. After Ibrahim dropped him off, Merlin decided to go for a walk, it was actually a nice day out. He thought about stopping by the church, to see if they had the rummage sale on, but Eggsy had suggested that if he purchased any more books this month he would go back to sleeping in his own bed. Library only. And Merlin was growing accustomed to Eggsy’s breathing in bed. It was soothing.  So he avoided the church, merely flipping it off as he walked by, and decided to poke about some shops that he had never been in.

He walked right back out of the head shop, drugs were gross, and white men with dreads even more so.

The record shop intrigued him, but he was pretty sure that if he brought those into the house that would count as more stuff and back to his own bed. The gelato shop was quite tasty. He’d have to save his allowance and bring Eggsy there for a treat. And, oh, that was a quandry, did it count as him paying for a date, if he was doing so from the money that Eggsy gave him as allowance? Maybe he should get a job. Harry had two, he could certainly manage one. Part time though, he liked taking care of the house. Nothing when Eggsy was off, he liked spending his evenings and weekends with his human.

He also had very few human skills. It could be a problem, but one to be sorted later. He walked by the antique shop window, not caring, but then stopped and went back. That wasn’t right. He looked in the window display at the small urn. He could feel the soul that was attached to it, screaming in loss. How it wasn’t shattering the glass window, he had no clue.

Merlin went into the shop and asked to see the urn. He held it carefully, opened it. It was cleaned out. “You know this used to hold a dead person right?” he asked the person behind the counter.

“Excuse me?” she looked at him in horror.

“This used to hold someone’s ashes, and they cleaned it out. An early one too,” Merlin hummed and listened to the soul. “One of the first dozen cremations in England, most impressive. But still is it ethical to sell this?”

“It is a flower urn from the late 1800s,” she protested. “We have the provenance.”

“No, it is a cremation urn. How much?”

“It is 200 pounds.”

“I have 20 quid, and will see it properly interred.” It was hurting Merlin how the soul was weeping, lost. Especially because it was clearly a soul due for his end of things. He didn’t like things that slipped through the cracks. The soul would likely not be so upset if it realized that, but few seldom believed that they deserved to be in his department.

“Please leave,” she said. 

Merlin put the urn gently down, and walked out. Eggsy would not have a spare two hundred pounds and if Merlin found a job that day it would still take a while to get enough money, at which time some idiot might have bought the soul that was supposed to be his.  But luckily he had a best friend with a ton of money that he never spent. He text Harry, and waited outside the shop for the man. He came roaring up in the Bentley and Merlin smiled that it only took 6 tries for Harry to parallel park. His driving was really coming along - they’d have to see about getting Harry an actual license soon. He was pretty sure Harry was supposed to have one, but Harry said as long as he wasn’t pulled over he was fine. He waited while Harry stepped out of the car. “Thank you.”

“You said there was an important antique you needed me to buy, I almost debated going home just so I could pop back up here, but I am pretty sure The Boss would want at least one meeting. Now is it a chair, a lovely wingback for all your reading?”

“No, dead guy urn.” Merlin grinned at him. “I appreciate you buying it for me.”

Harry pinched his nose under his glasses. “I’m sorry?”

“Look there in the window, Harry, and properly look.” Merlin tugged Harry over and pointed. “They are saying it is a flower urn.”

“They are wrong,” Harry said after a moment. “That soul should have been in your ironic punishment wing for the last 130 years.”

“I know. I didn’t expect the soul would linger if the ashes had been cleaned out, but there it is.”

“Let’s go.”

“I scared the staff, it is probably best if you make the purchase alone.” Merlin smiled. “I can chip in the 20 quid from my allowance.”

“It is fine,” Harry said, and went into the shop. A few minutes later he came out with the urn and wrapped the side a bit. “Do shut up.” He shook his head. “I honestly am puzzled by this.”

“I know,” Merlin touched the urn, and felt the soul. “I would have expected the soul to be where the ashes are, or even where the urn was initially stored. This has fascinating ramifications. But right now the big question is how we send him to my division.” They stood there on sidewalk, and both poked at the urn a little.

“Break it?”

“Likely just keeps the soul attached to the shards,” Merlin said. “Clearly Christian. What if we properly put it to rest? Think that might work?”

“What break into a mausoleum or bury it in a cemetery?”

“Aye, seems like the most logical course of action.”

“It does. Do you own a shovel?”

“Might in the garden shed.”

“Let’s us away then.”

Merlin got in on the passenger side, and held the urn. The soul had been screaming that he had been a good man. Merlin picked up the lid and slammed it down. “No you weren’t. Shut up. People are not property, and the conditions in your mills was appalling.” When they got to the house, he put the urn down. “Wait here, I’ll run to the shed, be right back.”

“I am pretty sure you are supposed to break into and desecrate a cemetery at night!” Harry called out.

“We have dreadful night vision,” Merlin said, and cut through the house. He could hear water running upstairs and hurried - he did not want to have to explain this to Eggsy. He got very lucky, it was even a collapsible shovel, much less conspicuous. He grabbed that, and a spade, and that used all his luck because there was Eggsy. “Hi,” Merlin said, and kissed his cheek. “Bye.”

“Merlin, why do you have a shovel?”

“To dig up a graveyard.”

“In daylight?”

“We have bad night vision. Our forms are old.”

“No grave robbing.”

“Oh we aren’t robbing, we are putting something in.” Merlin smiled at him. “See, I don’t think that is actually a crime. Pretty sure. Maybe vandalism at most.”

“Budget is too tight right now for bail,” Eggsy pointed out.

“I got a deal on yogurt this morning.”

“Yeah I don’t think it would equal bail. So...be careful, yeah?”

“You aren’t going to ask more questions?”

“No, because then I would have to know what is going on, and I do not want that, unless it is absolutely necessary. Go have a play date with Harry. Let the dead rest.”

“That is exactly the point,” Merlin promised, and kissed him again. “I’ll be home in time to play Fifa at the usual time, and for post I destroy you snuggles.”

“Okay then.”

Merlin went back to the car. “We are not allowed to get arrested.”

“That adds an element of challenge to the desecrating a cemetery in daylight.”

“Wait, why can’t we just bury them in the yard around your flat?” Merlin asked as Harry began to drive. “You live in a church.”

“Converted and the land desanctified when they did it.”

“That’s annoying.”

“That is in part what allows me to live there without constantly smoking or showing my wings.”

“Okay I have google the nearest cemetery,” Merlin said. Harry drove them there, and they walked through, angel statues turning and staring that them, a few flowers even wilted, that was rather neat, Merlin thought. They found a corner at the end of the grounds, and stared at each other. 

“I’m in a suit,” Harry pointed out. “And my body stays in shape because of fucking, not boxing. You dig.”

“Fine,” Merlin said. “You be look out.”

It isn’t a big urn, and they don’t have to go a full six feet under. They drop it in the hole. “What now, should we say a prayer?” Harry frowned. “I don’t think that would go well.”

Merlin grinned. “In nomine patri,” he said and thunder and lightning sounded, struck the ground not too far from them, and they both giggled like school boys. “Right, this trap soul, we bid it find its rest and go to where it was meant to be long ago?”

“Kushiel and Miniel, once of heaven, loyal soldiers of hell, command your soul move on,” Harry declared. They covered it up, and pat the grass back in place. “Right, you feel anything?”

“No, I think that worked,” Merlin said. “Fuck, it actually worked.”

“I need a drink,” Harry decided. They went to Harry’s house, and Harry poured them both a measure of whisky. “That was a bracing afternoon.”

“Harry, how many more?”

“No.”

“If there was one, there are two.”

“We are not reapers, that is a whole other thing,” Harry protested. “This is not our fucking job. I have two - tailoring and fucking, and they keep me too busy to do this.”

“It could be fun, antiquing together. Think of all the random stuff you might find. Maybe something you even owned before on a previous visit?” Merlin suggested.

“No. You are going to cost me a fortune.”

“You have a fortune,” Merlin declared. “To that end, give Eggsy a raise.”

“He is getting a significant raise when he officially becomes a tailor, he has just been too scared to push the last of his apprenticeship forward.”

“I’ll talk to him about it. I could get a job, help with the expense.”

“No, you are on vacation, and happy to be a house demon, don’t want to ruin the sabbatical. Plus you have no skills.” Harry poured a little more whisky. “Boot sales, estate sales, charity shops, antique shops. Do you know how many places we would have to check?”

“The boss is owed is due, we are owed our due. It is wrong to escape punishment, when likely the relatives that flushed the ashes down the toilet are in fact in my department for having done that.” Merlin glared at him. “You said you wanted us to spend more time together. And tell me you wouldn’t love antiquing.”

“It would be enjoyable,” Harry replied, “we might find some lovely things for the shop window. Fine, we will find the souls that have been escaping punishment, and keep breaking into cemeteries to bury them.”

“Thank you. Now I need to get home to snuggle Eggsy.”

“You mean fuck him.”

“No, snuggle, we have professed feelings. We aren’t at intercourse yet.”

“Ahh, very well then. Enjoy your snuggle.”

“Thank you, I will.” Merlin walked to the tube station, and eventually was home. JB was thrilled to see him.

“Killing Nazis, walk him?” Eggsy shouted from the living room.

“JB?” JB started to jump for his leash. Merlin clipped it on, and they went for a walk. When they got back in, Eggsy had tea ready, and drunk history on. Merlin was highly entertained by the show.

They settled on the couch, Eggsy curled into him. “You two have fun?”

“We did. We have now become antique hunters.”

“Why?”

“To find more dead people and free them from their cage.”

“Okay, then. Remember bail money is on the low right now.”

“Yes we need to talk about that.”

“What building a bail fund? Because I run clean these days, and kinda want my demon to do so as well, yeah? People with records don’t get near Daisy.”

“Eggsy, you let me babysit Daisy, and I once -”

“Nope, nope, nope, no work talk on vacation,” Eggsy said. “Because you were about to give a really gross and terrifying example that just isn’t relevant to this moment. Because that is there and this is here.” Eggsy kissed his cheek. “The point is, I want you two to have your fun, but just you know - careful fun.”

“We are being middle aged men who go outside London to go to boot sales on the weekend, and you’ve distracted me. Harry says you are ready to complete your apprenticeship. And you haven’t.” Merlin looked at him. “Eggsy?”

“It’s nothing. Want a little more practice.”

“Is that a nothing that is a something?”

“What if Harry is wrong? What if one of those posh gits gets upset and I cost Harry money business. What if -”

“What if you succeed?”

“Yeah.”

“Then, you prove Dean wrong, you prove teachers wrong, you prove many people wrong. Is spite not enough of a motivator?”

“Not really, I wish it were, but honestly that’s not me.”

Merlin kissed his head. “Do you like it? The measuring, the cutting, the sewing?”

“I do, never thought that I would, figured I’d clean for Harry, do window displays and eventually I dunno get a different crap job. But clothes can make you feel good. Nice to make people happy like that. You seem happy with the stuff I’ve made you.”

“So make people happy.”

“Just that simple?”

“You make me happy.”

Merlin liked how Eggsy snuggled in close. “Make a full suit for Percival, and apprenticeship is done.”

“Call him in for an appointment.”

“Okay,” Eggsy agreed. “Watch your show.” They snuggled until Eggsy was yawning every minute and went up to bed.

***********

“Ma’am, I said I was buying that urn.” Harry tried to pull it away from her, but she had a tight grip.

“It will look good on my mantle,” she said. “It is perfect for my feng shui. My yoga instructor said my house it out of alignment and I need more Oriental things in it.”

Merlin blinked. “Oriental? That is a bad word. No one uses it any more, unless directly referring to the book Orientalism by Said, and grocery stores too lazy to change their signs. And that urn isn’t even Asian. It was made in a factory in Cornwall.”

“It has a flower on it.”

“An asiatic lily doesn’t actually make it from Asia,” Harry snapped. He looked at the old woman selling it from the boot of her car. “I’ll pay you 50 pounds.”

“60.” 

“75,” Harry said.

“Harry will also kiss you, and make the man two cars down jealous.”

“I will what now?”

“He will what now?” the woman asked.

“Sold!” the old lady said. “Bob thinks he can just wave me off for that hussy selling her husbands old playboys one row over, does he? Come on deary, a good kiss with tongue then. And you baldy, take some good photos. I have grandchildren to scandalize.”

“You are a delightful old lady. Stop cheating at bridge, so you don’t get sent to hell.” 

“Now now, I didn’t sin, how would I ever be able to bask in God’s forgiveness?” She held out her hand, and Harry handed over the money as the other woman huffed away. The old woman gave Merlin her phone, and Harry glared at him, but swept her up in a passionate kiss and everyone around them cheered. Harry gave her a bow, kissed her hand, and picked up the urn. 

“I had to push her denture back in place with my tongue, I hate you,” Harry hissed. “I hate your face, I hate your body, I hate your wings, I hate that we’ve been friends since time out of mind, and oh I do not hate that tea set. Hold on.” Harry gave the urn to Merlin, and went to haggle.

Merlin stared at the 5th urn they had found. The soul in it was more resigned than most. Knew where it belonged. They found a cemetery not too far from the boot sale and buried it. When they were almost caught they pretended to be horny weirdos making out in a graveyard. Harry kisses were gross in comparison to Eggsy ones. “There has to be a safer way to get these buried.”

“I will look up old maps of London, we might find a loophole.” Harry frowned at him. “Also if that is your idea of kissing.”

“My idea of kissing you.”

“I’ll send you links to my more romantic porn.”

“Eggsy has them bookmarked on my Macbook.”

“His Macbook.”

“Let’s go home. I have lamb stew in the pressure cooker. You want?”

“I do, actually.”

*******

Merlin was sitting on the brown couch in Kingsman, while Harry, Percival, and Eggsy were in dressing room one. He was forcing himself to sit, so that he didn’t pace. It was fine. All fine. He ended up pacing, but when he heard the door crack open, he dove for the couch, and aimed for a casual look.

Percival came out first, and to Merlin’s eye the suit looked good, but that didn’t mean it was good. There were a million little unseen details that went into the suit. Percival was smiling though, so that was probably good.  Less good, was that Eggsy looked pale and shaky just a bit behind him. Merlin stood up and Eggsy dove into his embrace. Harry’s face was completely neutral.

Well neutral to Percival or Eggsy, but never neutral to Merlin. Merlin smiled and kissed Eggsy’s head. “Congratulations, Eggsy.”

“So much wrong with it,” Eggsy said. “I need a do over.”

“I love the suit, Eggsy,” Percival promised.

“And no do over is required,” Harry said. Behind the counter he pulled out a bottle of champagne on ice. He opened it carefully. “We bid congratulations to junior tailor, Eggsy Unwin.” He poured out glasses, and handed them around. “Eggsy, you are done your apprenticeship, and are now a tailor of Kingsman.”

“Bull fucking shit.”

“He doesn’t open a bottle of champagne unless he means it,” Merlin swore to Eggsy, and Eggsy slowly smiled.

“Yeah?” he asked.

Merlin kissed his nose. “Indeed.”

“Looks, like maybe someone is getting a raise in their allowance then.”

“Excellent,” Merlin was pleased. “There is an urn in Notting Hill, I can chip in.”

“An urn?” Percival asked.

“No, bruv, you don’t want to know,” Eggsy told him. “It is one of their adventures. Which I mean, sure historically their adventures mean the end of an empire, but I think this one is harmless.”

“Historically?”

“Never mind,” Eggsy smiled at Percival. “You really like the suit?”

“I do, and I already have another client for you. I think you will be a better match for Roxy than Harry.”

“Who is Roxy?” Merlin asked and frowned at Percival. He was supposed to be Harry’s not some doxy’s. But Harry was waving it away.

“My niece. A police officer, and she could use a court suit.”

“I could try?” Eggsy asked. “Not sure about making tit room yet, but I can figure it out. Oh and we’re pretending I didn’t just say that, okay?”

Harry laughed, and Merlin had to kiss him again, liking the taste of champagne on Eggsy’s lips.

*******

“Hello,” Percival said politely.

“Bugger, I mean hello,” Merlin smiled. He was clutching an urn. “I didn’t steal it. Paid for it with my new and improved allowance.”

“I did not think you a thief,” Percival reassured. “It is attractive. Are you redecorating?”

“No, I need to bury this in ceremonial land to set the soul free, but most of the cemeteries in the area are dimed to me and Harry and kick us out.”

“Well, that is…”

“Harry would be with me, but he was…” Merlin couldn’t say Harry needed to fuck something hard in his second form. “Under the weather.” That was the truth, if he didn’t fuck he’d be on the way home, left it a little too long this month. “So I bought it on my own.”

“Good for you.”

“That sounded patronizing.”

“I suppose it did.” Percival was looking at him, and that gaze was too sharp. “You need to bury it?”

“I do.”

“Come along then.”

“To where?”

“To my home.” 

Merlin was intrigued, and followed Percival home. Oh that was a huge house, nice, and he whimpered when he saw the bookshelves. “Me want,” he sighed. “I don’t suppose we are friendly enough I could store romance novels here?”

“You are the friend of my tailors that I have met, counting today, half a dozen times, and you want to borrow my bookshelves?”

“Well eventually Harry will ask you out, what with the whole in love with you thing, and then we’ll be double dating and stuff so I think asking for some shelf space is reasonable.”

Merlin smiled at him, and waited. Percival was staring at him. “No bookshelf space?” He waited some more. “Oh, I wasn’t supposed to mention the love thing because you two are enjoying the unresolved sexual tension. Sorry, I get a little excited by romance. Always skim ahead in my books.” Merlin stood there, and tilted his head. “Wait, you are Jewish.”

“I am,” Percival replied, “I thought the mezuzah gave it away.” He was clearly tensing.

“The women who lived here before you were Jewish as well.” Merlin was slowly circling, moved to a chair and sat in it. He nodded, and moved one over. “That was her favourite chair. The one, your blood.”

“What?”

“But if you are Jewish why are they haunting you? Dead is dead, why your people never end up in the division.” Merlin listened carefully. “Oh, oh my flying spaghetti monster.”

“I am not haunted, as you said Jewish. Dead is dead.”

“No, this house is haunted.” Merlin smiled. “Because they want you to be happy. And they were strong enough to bend the rules that guided their souls to see you happy. I love that sort of power. I want to hang out here. Your ghosts are great.”

“I...no one but Roxy or I have felt them.”

“They are quite obvious.” Merlin smiled. “Sorry, I am taken,” he said to the ghost that brushed up against his mind. “As I said, my best friend is enamoured of your nephew. I read romance novels, I will try to set them up. But for right now, need to get this urn in some sort of ceremonial ground.”

“Yes, my apologies. Are you psychic? Not that I believe in that.”

“No,” Merlin replied and hoped there were no follow up questions. “Shovel?”

Percival nodded, and they went to the garden. “This is a lovely spot. I want to work on mine and Eggsy’s a bit - advice would be appreciated.”

“Of course.”

Merlin was guided to a corner. “There,” Percival said. “This land in the 1300s, was sacred. I don’t think the prayers were ever removed.”

“Excellent.” Merlin dug up the corner, and put the urn in. He nodded and covered it. “Go to where you belong, be set free of your cage.” He stood up. “Thank you so much.”

“Harry does not like me, beyond me being an excellent client,” Percival said.

“He does,” Merlin promised. “I have known him a very long time. He has had many, many conquests and lovers. But he has never looked at them the way he looks at you.”

“He doesn’t look at me.”

“You just haven’t seen,” Merlin smiled. “I’ll bring by some books for your shelves.”

“I didn’t agree to that.”

“Aunt Ruth did.”

“I never said her name.”

“She told me. Bye!” Merlin was feeling downright cheerful. He had done an urn on his own, and hopefully helped Harry move forward in his relationship. He had to tell Eggsy about all this. He’d be proud.

*******

“I thought you’d be proud,” Merlin wasn’t pouting, but his human was not lavishing him in the praise that he expected. “I did good. I sent souls to hell where they belonged, and I told Percival Harry liked him! And I found space for some of my books. It was a successful day.” He looked to JB who was smiling at him. At least JB got it.

“I don’t even know where to start,” Eggsy’s voice was faint, tired. The one he got when Merlin had humaned wrong. “Merlin, did you only buy the urns where the souls were meant for hell?”

“Of course, why would I buy the ones meant for heaven?” Merlin looked at him lost. “They are fine.”

“No, they aren’t,” Eggsy glared at him. “You want The Boss to get his due, the other guy gets his due as well.”

“I’m not spending my money helping that wanker.”

“Yeah, you are, or I swear Merlin, I will...I will come on every single errand day for the next two months.”

“You wouldn’t,” Merlin stared at him in horror. “That is mean, Eggsy.”

“So is leaving souls to rot!”

“Of course it is, I am a demon!”

“Three months,” Eggsy warned. “And I will buy something off four different endcaps every damn time.”

Merlin glowered. “Fine, Harry and I will go antiquing again.”

“My good demon.”

“Fuck off,” Merlin growled, annoyed. He couldn’t believe he had to send souls to god, now. Stupid being in love with a good human.

“Now to the other thing. One, I don’t care what the ghost said, you can’t steal a man’s bookshelves.”

“She said I could!” Merlin wasn’t whining. “She liked romance novels, and wants some in the house, and it was hers first.”

“And it is his now. You have enough shelves, and maybe it is time to Marie Kondo your books.”

Merlin paled. “No, Eggsy,” he whimpered a bit.

“Okay, okay, bridge too far. We’ll buy another storage bin.” Eggsy reached out, and held his hand. “But no stealing his shelf space.”

“Just five. She is a really nice ghost.”

“Fine, he agrees to it. Five books at his house.” Eggsy cleared the dishes away. “Now, baby, you can’t go confessing Harry’s feelings around town.”

“Not around town, just to the one he likes.” Merlin scratched JB’s head. “He needs a push.”

“And how well would we have done if we were pushed?” Eggsy gave him a look.

Merlin had to nod. “I understand. No pushing. I just want Harry happy.”

“I know, baby, but he’s scared. We’ll get them there.” Eggsy kissed his head, and Merlin leaned into it. “Go warm up the playstation.”

Merlin went to the family room, while Eggsy did the dishes. They had a good night, and held each other close in bed. Merlin could feel Eggsy half hard against him, but they didn’t do more than kiss and snuggle. He was intrigued though, and decided in the morning, he’d really have to check out those porn links.

******

“Ugh, this soul is so pure,” Harry groaned poking at the urn.

“I know, disgusting,” Merlin agreed.

“I cannot believe you agreed to this, and that you got me to agree to it as well.” Harry paid for the urn and they just flung it in the back of the car. Harry drove far too quickly towards a bit of park where they had found a pet cemetery, it was good enough for these souls. They deposited the urn next to a dead parrot and nodded. There, Eggsy would be happy.

“I need a shower,” Harry shuddered a bit. “I feel icky.”

“Me too,” Merlin agreed, and stomped the ground a little bit. “Happy meal?”

“Yes that sounds nice,” Harry agreed.

“Oh by the way, I told Percival you love him.” Merlin kept walking towards the car after his pronouncement and wasn’t surprised when Harry tackled him. They flew up into the air and fought a bit, wings flapping against each other, until they plummeted back to earth. They fell, destroying a couple trees.

They lay in the dirt and stared up at the hole they had made in the cover. “Well today is just a shitty day,” Harry declared.

“He likes you, as well.”

“He does?”

“Very much,” Merlin promised. “I can tell.”

“How?”

“I’ve read 200 romance novels at this point Harry. I can tell.”

“You are buying me two happy meals.”

“Of course, old friend,” Merlin smiled and reached out for Harry’s hand.

Harry took it and squeezed.   
  



End file.
